Motivating Children
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The idea of mindsets (fixed or growth) and teaching our children about grit go hand in hand with the process for motivating children. We want to strive to encourage and teach our children how to obtain characteristics necessary to endure and increase stamina in good times and bad. One way to accomplish this is teaching them to have grit. Grit is character building and strengthening by putting forth the effort and not gliding by on “natural talent”. It is persistence, achievement, passion, commitment, zest for learning, resilience, and so much more. Before I show you parent behavior that can capitalize on building these characteristics, I want to talk about something many of us do wrong.
A negative aspect of attempting to motivate our children could include bribery. Most parents would probably admit that they have bribed their child at some point. I know I have. What is wrong with a bribe? I love what Dr. Steve Dennis, College Dean of Education & Human Development of BYU-Idaho, stated in an article titled, “What’s the Problem with Bribes?”. He states, “The goal of parenting is not manipulated obedience. Temporary compliance is not victory. Our goal is to influence the hearts and minds of children in ways that they ‘have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually (Mosiah 5:2)’” (Dennis, n.d.). We should be actively engaged in teaching our children behaviors that will last and be a benefit to them throughout their lives. Dr. Dennis provides a few tips that I’d like to share:
- Always redirect to the authentic – Rewards are a cultural thing and probably won’t ever completely disappear. What we can do as parents is lessen their value and turn more to the authentic (Dennis, n.d.). Instead of complimenting winning a competition, we could focus more on the effort it took for them to get to that place.
- Never eclipse the authentic—Small rewards can recognize determination and express thankfulness without being big enough to distract the true purpose for acting (Dennis, n.d.).
- Timing is everything—Work towards small “after-the-fact” rewards to reinforce instead of manipulate (Dennis, n.d.).
- Age and maturity is a consideration—external rewards may be appropriate momentarily for younger kids or those lacking mental development though we can still teach true reasons for action and work to halt as soon as possible (Dennis, n.d.).
- The best rewards aren’t physical/material—consider activities, opportunities, or experiences over things when looking for a reward (Dennis, n.d.).
Now that we know what we shouldn’t do when it comes to motivating our children, here is a topic we should consider. Let’s talk about praise. Do you know how to effectively praise your child? Is praise even the word we should use? “Studies show that feedback is a necessary component in the building of a child’s sense of self-worth. But interestingly, students do not seem to need praise in order to thrive. Feedback is distinct from praise in that it engages with a child’s efforts rather than simply passing a value judgment on them” (Pocock, 2017).
Before I started taking parenting classes, my go to phrases were either “Good Job!” or “You are so smart!”. Those phrases fall more in line with what is known as evaluative praise. This kind of praise is when the person praising uses non-descriptive words to praise. This kind of praise would include words like super, good, tremendous, and fantastic. They are vague phrases and limit the person receiving the praise because they don’t know how to maintain what they are being praised for. Also, if you are always praising this way, your children will come to expect it and won’t know what to do with themselves when they aren’t patted on the back with a “great job” every time they do anything.
A more effective way to praise is called descriptive praise. We can also utilize appreciative praise. What are these types of praise and how are they more effective? Descriptive focuses more on accomplishment and what you observed. It is specific. Appreciative helps teach your children how their behavior affects others and is also very specific. Let me give you a couple of examples:
Descriptive Praise
“I like how you have organized your room. You have found the perfect place for each item. It looks so clean and neat”
“I like the way you used brown and black to color spots on your drawing of a dog. It makes him look so real.”
“You put on your shirt all by yourself. That will help us be on time to story time at the library today.”
Appreciative Praise
“Thanks for sticking up for your little brother when your friends were making fun of him. Your efforts did not go unnoticed and I know he is especially grateful.”
“Thank you for making my bed today. It was such a nice surprise and made me feel loved.”
“Look how happy your sister is because you let her hold one of your stuffed animals. That was thoughtful of you to share.”
If you want some additional resources on descriptive praise, take a look at this article. It will help you take a phrase like “You’re Amazing!” and turn it into something more effective. It is packed with some additional thoughts on how to praise with purpose. I wish you the best on your parenting journey!
References
Dennis, S. (n.d.). What’s the problem with bribes? https://byui.instructure.com/courses/131308/files/50494100/download?wrap=1
Meyers, M. (2020, November 12). How to effectively praise a child without resorting to “you’re amazing!” We Have Kids https://wehavekids.com/parenting/52-Ways-to-Praise-Your-Child-Without-Saying-Youre-Amazing
Pocock, J. (2017, February 22). Are we spoiling our kids with too much praise? Daily JSTOR https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/
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